I don’t feel really good at all in this past few days. Well, actually I haven’t been in a good state since February. Some days just hard but bearable, then the other days just get harder and unbearable. And in this past few days, has been especially unbearable for me. I am in the state where I abuse myself, again. I don’t know exactly why I am in this state again, but maybe simply the heart wins over head again. At times like this, i hate myself the most.
I know God didn’t like it whenever I feel this kind of feeling. God has always give me a sign to love myself more at times like this. Sometimes, God gives me a surprise trip to entertain me, sends me an old friend just to enlighten me, or simply send some words to comfort me through something or someone.
And so today. I was in the verge of abuse myself to my limit again. Coincidentally, I found some comforting words from Daniell Koepke. The words is exactly what I want to hear. Exactly what myself needs to know. Of course, reading those words didn’t suddenly made me feel happy. But it helps.
It helps. I somehow take a moment to stay present; to the pain. So I decided to rewrite Daniell Koepke’s words here to remind myself later if I feel this way again.
Forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for what happened. For the mistakes you made. For your poor choices. For not showing up the way you needed to. For not being the person you wanted to be. You’re human.
You did the best you could in the moment given what you knew and what you had, and that’s all you can ask of yourself. You’re still learning. You’re still finding your way. And that takes time. You’re allowed to show up in the world imperfectly. You’re allowed to fail at things you tried hard for. You’re allowed to realize you made the wrong decision. You’re allowed to be someone who’s still figuring out their path and their purpose.
You can’t go back and change the decisions you’ve made, but you can choose what you do today. You can keep choosing, again and again. You can start over. And that’s where your power is. In today.
So no more beating yourself up. No more going over and over it again in your head and torturing yourself with the past. What happened, happened, and all the shame and self-hatred in the world won’t undo that. Today, you’re starting over. Today, you’re moving forward with the new knowledge and experiences you have. Today, you can be the person you want to be and live the life you want to live. You’re not a bad person. You’re not a disappointment or a failure. You’re just human. You’re still learning and growing and finding your way. And it’s okay. You’ll be okay.
— Daniel Koepke
Dear, Tika. You can’t change what happened. You can’t turn back the time and fix what you had done. But you can start to learn today. You can change to be the person you always wanted to be, start from today. It is never too late.