About falling.

Falling in love is such a big deal. To be fall in love; to be fully willing to let your heart breaks.

For someone that her heart has been shattered to pieces because of love, I once vow: to not let anyone have control over my heart again. Because after all, it is the power we give to the person we love that breaks our heart. I restricted myself to do that for no less than 2 years.

One day, in a very sunny day and ordinary way, I met this person, in a coffee shop. Nothing in particular, we just talked. For hours. About many things. Too many things we talked about, too many until I even unsure what we really talked about. But there is one thing that I really sure about that day: I was happy.

I felt strange, that day. Because for once in years, I found myself longing to talk again with particular person. For someone that really have no intention to longing for another person’s presence, this is kind of weird.

“Did I fall for this person just because we talked? Am I that easy to fall?” I asked myself, feeling confused. That can’t be.

I refused to surrender to that feeling. Because you know, I’ve been hurt. A lot. I was broken. I messed things up. And I have no confidence to fall. I was afraid of rejection. I was afraid to fall. Because when I fall, it will be hard for me to stand up alone. I cannot and I will not. I told my dear heart.

But God kind of messing around. I somehow cannot resist the temptation to talked again with this person. The second I talked again to this person, I knew it: I am going to fall. It will be in a full force, without a pause.

Of course, it happened, exactly the way I thought: Falling hard, in a full force, without a pause.

This person, is completely another version of me. I shared the same thought with him. I saw myself in him. Weird enough: It feels like, I’ve been known him for a long time. You know, that feeling; it is just click. It is the real connection that I’ve been wanting; dreamy. And of course I kind of surprised, for having that kind of feeling in a short time. I knew then, he is special.

With excitement, I started to tell my best friends, that I’ve fall for someone.

“It is kind of crazy, to fall again. You know. How could I fall so easily like this?” I said to them.

They said “It is not crazy. It is not easy. It just happened at the right time with the right person. Do not miss a chance. Give it a try.”

“What If my heart breaks again?” I then asked.

“So be it. He is special, isn’t he? What if you lost a chance to have your heart fully in shape again just because you are afraid? What if he’s different? What if he’s your once in a lifetime? Have you been fall this easily? I know you. And I can say, that he is special for you. You’ve never been this happy before.” They answered.

So I didn’t miss a chance.

I surrender. I am totally falling, and instead to keep it to myself, I am actually showing it, I am enjoying it.

I thought that my friend might be right. This person could be my once in a lifetime. And I know, I will get my heart break at some point too with him becauseĀ  being hurt is inevitable in love. But the thought of missing a chance and not to try is breaking my heart even harder. I don’t want to regret for not trying.

If one day or in this very second, he breaks my heart, I will not regret.

I will not regret. For letting him in and having a control over my heart. Because meeting him in that coffee shop was one of my happiest time; to fall in love again and smile over small silly things when I thought I wouldn’t. To put down on my facade and show my fears when I thought I couldn’t.

Instead, I will thank him.

I will thank him. For having me realize, that after what I’ve been through, I am capable to love again, wholeheartedly. That after having my heart crushed to pieces, I am capable to grown my heart in a full shape again. That after all suffering, I still want to try, love again and finding the right one.

That fall in love is indeed a big deal. Terrifying, but somehow kind of addicting, when you fall for a person that brings out an excitement you’ve never felt when you are alone. It is worth it.


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